Funny Quotes and Images About Commercials
Funny quotes for everybody
Whether y'all're looking for funny quotes to make a betoken, enliven a presentation, give a toast, or only for your own amusement, you've come to the right place. Reader's Assimilate has been collecting funny quotes since our first issue in 1922, and in accolade of the magazine's 100th ceremony, we've pulled together some all-fourth dimension classics. Looking for even more quotes? Check out our lists of uplifting quotes, family unit quotes, and life is short quotes. You lot might also enjoy our new compendium of the all-time jokes e'er. Have fun—and you can quote us!
Funny quotes about matrimony
1. "My communication to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll go a philosopher." —Socrates
2. "If yous desire to be certain that you never forget your wife'southward birthday, just effort forgetting it once." —Aldo Cammarota
three. "Earlier you lot marry a person, you should beginning make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they actually are." —Will Ferrell
iv. "Never criticize your spouse'south faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have establish someone ameliorate than you." —Jay Trachman
More funny quotes almost marriage
5. "Never go to bed mad. Stay upwards and fight." —Phyllis Diller
six. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to notice a woman I don't similar and give her a house." —Rod Stewart
7. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." —Jim Carrey
Funny quotes about parenting
viii. "Adults are always asking children what they desire to be when they grow upwards considering they're looking for ideas." —Paula Poundstone
nine. "A perfect parent is a person with excellent kid-rearing theories and no actual children." —Dave Barry
10. "Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the hereafter of the globe, they're the ones who tin can sign you into a habitation." —Dennis Miller
11. "When I was a child my parents moved a lot, but I always institute them." —Rodney Dangerfield
More than funny quotes about parenting
12. "If y'all are not yelling at your kids, you are non spending plenty time with them." —Reese Witherspoon
thirteen. "When your mother asks, 'Do y'all want a piece of communication?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't affair if you answer yes or no. Y'all're going to get it anyway."—Erma Bombeck
14. "Kids are expensive, I didn't even realize how broke I was until final year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life."—Kate Davis
fifteen. "I desire my children to have all the things I couldn't beget. So I want to move in with them." —Phyllis Diller
Funny quotes virtually families
16. "Information technology seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, 'Say thank you. Sit upwardly straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when yous chew. Don't lean back in your chair.' Only when I finally got my married man squared away, the kids came along." —Erma Bombeck
17. "There is no such affair every bit fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld
eighteen. "There are two classes of travel—first class and with children."—Robert Benchley
nineteen. "Happiness is having a large, caring, shut-knit family in another metropolis." —George Burns
Funny quotes virtually dogs
20. "When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the business firm is happy to see you." —Nora Ephron
21. "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn effectually 3 times before lying downward." —Robert Benchley
22. "If dogs could talk, it would accept a lot of fun out of owning one." —Andrew A. Rooney
23. "If you recollect dogs tin't count, try putting three domestic dog biscuits in your pocket and so giving Fido simply two of them." —Phil Pastoret
Funny quotes almost cats
24. "The true cat could very well be man'due south best friend but would never stoop to admitting information technology." —Doug Larson
25. "Cats are smarter than dogs. Y'all tin't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." —Jeff Valdez
26. "In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a true cat to ignore him." —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
27. "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." —Anonymous
Funny quotes about friends
28. "Friends are God's way of apologizing to united states for our families." —Anonymous
29. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every iv Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." —Rita Mae Brown
thirty. "The holy passion of friendship is of and then sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that information technology will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend coin." —Marker Twain
Don't forget to send these funny friendship quotes to your BFF for some laughs!
Funny quotes about enemies
31. "Always forgive your enemies; zero annoys them and then much."—Oscar Wilde
32. "The Bible tells united states to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people." —One thousand.K. Chesterton
33. "If you tin can't shell them, arrange to have them beaten." —George Carlin
Funny quotes almost coin
34. "If you want to know what God thinks of money, wait at the people he gave information technology to." —Dorothy Parker
35. "Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most." —Addison H. Hallock
36. "Never go along up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper." —Quentin Crisp
More than funny quotes about coin
37. "People say money is not the cardinal to happiness, but I have always figured if y'all have enough coin, y'all tin have a key made."—Joan Rivers
38. "Anybody who tells you money can't purchase happiness never had any." —Samuel L. Jackson
39. "Misers are no fun to live with, but they make keen ancestors." —Tom Snyder
Funny quotes nigh work
twoscore. "Anyone can do whatever corporeality of piece of work, provided information technology isn't the piece of work he is supposed to be doing at that moment." —Robert Benchley
41. "I like work; it fascinates me. I tin sit down and look at it for hours." —Jerome 1000. Jerome
42. "Doing nix is very hard to do. You never know when you lot're finished." —Leslie Nielsen
More funny quotes about work
43. "Difficult work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" —Edgar Bergen
44. "Don't go around maxim the globe owes you a living. The earth owes you lot nothing. Information technology was hither first." —Mark Twain
45. "All I've ever wanted was an honest calendar week's pay for an honest day'southward piece of work." —Steve Martin, in the moving-picture show Sgt. Bilko.
Funny quotes nigh didactics
46. "A college educational activity is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not go." —William Lowe Bryan
47. "In existent life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra." —Fran Lebowitz
48. "True terror is to wake upwards one morn and find that your high school class is running the country." —Kurt Vonnegut
Funny quotes well-nigh aging
49. "The secret of staying young is to alive honestly, swallow slowly, and prevarication about your age."—Lucille Ball
50. "Yous are only young once. After that you have to recollect up some other alibi." —Baton Arthur
51. "By the time you're 80 years one-time yous've learned everything. You merely accept to think it." —George Burns
Funny quotes nigh gossip
52. "You can't believe everything you lot hear—simply you can echo it." —Anonymous
53. "A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there's fire." —Dan Bennett
54. "The just thing worse than being talked about is not existence talked well-nigh." —Oscar Wilde
Funny quotes near communication and criticism
55. "If y'all tin't be kind, at least be vague." —Judith Martin
56. "It'south so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the trouble." —Malcolm Forbes
57. "Any fool tin can criticize, condemn and complain—and most practice." —Dale Carnegie
Funny quotes about emotions
58. "People can't drive you crazy if y'all don't give them the keys." —Mike Bechtle
59. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single matter to worry most. That ever worries me!" —Charlie Chocolate-brown
60. "Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it." —Dearborn Independent
Funny quotes nearly food
61. "If God did non intend for u.s. to swallow animals, then why did he brand them out of meat?" —John Cleese
62. "Never eat more than you can elevator." —Miss Piggy
63. "When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cutting into four or viii slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'"—Yogi Berra
Funny quotes near potable
64. "Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for instance, there would be no manner to make h2o, a vital ingredient in beer." —Dave Barry
65. "I ever cook with vino. Sometimes I even add it to the food." —W.C. Fields
66. "Always practise sober what you said yous'd practise drunk. That will teach you to go along your mouth shut." —Ernest Hemingway
Funny quotes about health
67. "All the things I like to exercise are either immoral, illegal, or fattening." —Alexander Woollcott
68. "Wellness basics are going to experience stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Fox
69. "Be careful near reading health books. Y'all may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
Funny quotes about politics
70. "Information technology is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he's madly in love, boozer, or running for office." —B. Birdsong
71. "The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is later they've been indicted." —Kin Hubbard
72. "If our Founding Fathers wanted the states to intendance about the rest of the world, they wouldn't accept declared their independence from it." —Stephen Colbert
Funny quotes about success
73. "If at outset you lot don't succeed, effort, try once again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it." —W.C. Fields
74. "It is not plenty to succeed. Others must fail." —Gore Vidal
75. "Thankfully, perseverance is a nifty substitute for talent." —Steve Martin
Funny quotes about happiness
76. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they get." —Bearding
77. "Whoever said coin can't buy happiness but didn't know where to go shopping." —Bo Derek
78. "Ane of the keys to happiness is a bad retentivity." —Rita Mae Brown
Funny quotes about bores
79. "A diameter is the kind of human who, when y'all enquire him how he is, he tells you." —Channing Pollock
80. "She never lets ideas interrupt the easy menstruum of her chat." —Jean Webster
81. "He tin compress the most words into the smallest idea of whatever man I know." —Abraham Lincoln
82. "By the time someone says, 'To make a long story brusk,' information technology'due south too late." —Don Herold
Funny quotes virtually egotists
83. "There only for the grace of God, goes God." —Bearding, commenting on the film managing director Orson Welles
84. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." —Henry Clapp
85. "The overnice affair nearly egotists is that they don't talk about other people." —Lucille Southward. Harper
86. "People who remember they know everything are a great annoyance to those of the states who do." —Isaac Asimov
Funny quotes most optimism and pessimism
87. "An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and later on l floors says, 'Then far so good!'" —Anonymous
88. "The nice part nearly existence a pessimist is that you are constantly existence either proven correct or pleasantly surprised." —George Volition
89. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." —James Branch Cabell
Funny quotes about intelligence
xc. "I'm not offended past blonde jokes considering I know I'm not dumb…and I also know that I'm not blonde." —Dolly Parton
91. "We apply x% of our brains. Imagine how much nosotros could accomplish if we used the other 60%." —Ellen DeGeneres
92. "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can heed to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." —Baton Connolly
93. "When it doubt, look intelligent." —Garrison Keillor
Funny quotes about stupidity
94. "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'thousand not sure about the universe." —Albert Einstein
95. "Recall of how stupid the average person is and realize one-half of them are stupider than that." —George Carlin
96. "User: the word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'" —Dave Barry
97. "If stupidity got u.s.a. into this mess, then why tin can't it get united states of america out?" —Volition Rogers
Funny quotes nigh expiry
98. "Co-ordinate to most studies, people's number i fearfulness is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number ii. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you accept to get to a funeral, you're improve off in the catafalque than doing the eulogy." —Jerry Seinfeld
99. "I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster." —Shane Richie
100. "Always become to other people's funerals; otherwise they won't come to yours." —Yogi Berra
Additional reporting research washed by Linda Roman and Greg Daugherty
Originally Published: October 21, 2021
Source: https://www.rd.com/list/funniest-quotes-all-time/
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